Swells in the Ocean of Emotion

It’s one of those days… a beautiful sunny Sunday, warm in my house, sun pouring through the window into my living room. It’s a day for lighting candles, smudging, burning incense, taking in the purifying scent of Agua de Florida and palo santo- a day for cleansing and purifying. I am feeling quiet and vulnerable- in a good way. I had a dream about my brother Tim last night, and two nights before that as well. Somewhat randomly yesterday I came across a series of emails that we had shared during the period of time when our mother passed almost ten years ago on various topics.

I am feeling him close by today, as well as the presence of other dear ones who also passed in recent years- my beloved Henry, my eldest sister Jenny who died just two days after him, dear friends Shin Ae and Amber who both were gone way too soon- two young, powerful, brave, extraordinary women- both of whom had a huge impact on my life. And of course my parents- my mother, and my father who passed 40 years ago this May.

I cam across this beautiful poem when I opened Facebook today- written by my friend Peter Blum in memory of some of his own tribe. It spoke to me through my tears- good tears, memories of sweetness and love- and I share it with you.

December Dream
Around me the dead have risen
Look! Their parachutes of hope
open
in just the right places
Umbrellas, balloons, feathers, clouds
multitudes of curious transport
pull them through the night
with just the right traces
Resurrected memories of nameless
timeless ancestral entities
Chills of premonition.
My heart beats faster
I cannot quite make out
the faces.
-Peter Blum-

Henry’s warm smile…

At Mum’s 90th birthday with my two siblings, Jenny and Tim- November 2, 2011.

Mum, showing off the hat she had just decorated!

Radiant Shin Ae…

Gardening and Grooving

It’s been a very intense year so far. Every day i want to write and I have had some frustration with not being able to post new pictures on my computer. Long story- not interesting to anyone, I’m sure! So we’ll just glide right past that. Update- problem solved

So where am I right now? Here’s a quick update. I fell in love.*

And now it’s September and I fell out of love. Okay, back to what I was writing two months ago.

My son Moose and his wife Jenny had twins- Ruby and Wren- on December 26. They came home from the hospital at the end of January a couple of days before their official due date of 2.22.22.

I drove back and forth to Rhode Island and Maine 3 times between October and December… and then a 4th time in April for my brother Tim’s funeral after he died from Covid.

Tim on the far right, 1972, with our younger brother Peter at the helm (age 15 at the time and youngest crew member) during transatlantic to Kiel, Germany for Operation Sail, aboard the Black Pearl.

A week after Tim’s funeral I flew out to Minneapolis to meet my granddaughters, Ruby and Wren, in the sweet pink baby flesh! They were 3 months old and it was the perfect balm after losing my brother- not that it could make up for it, but it certainly softened things a lot and nurtured my soul.

Oh, did I mention I had an appendectomy? February 22, the same night my brother Tim was put on a ventilator. Ugh, not a good night. The night before I was probably the sickest and most scared I have ever been in my adult life, vomiting violently to the point I thought I was actually going to suffocate as I was unable at times to even get a breath. it was horrible. Anyway, I got through it and felt a thousand times better after the offending organ was removed! But an emotionally challenging time as Tim was also clearly not recovering from Covid the way it was anticipated.

Next? May rolled around and I went to Florida to do 3 Healing Sound Journeys- the first public events I had done since the start of the pandemic! I have LOTS more to say about that trip and the things I learned about my work, all (or most) of which I am saving for another post. I will post a groovy picture here though!

Instruments set up for a Healing Sound Journey at the Temple of The Living God in St. Petersburg, FL.

And then it was June- which is when I started this post! A trip to Haris Lender’s Yurtananda, her very groovy retreat in the hills of Virginia down the road from Swami Satchitananda’s ashram in Yogaville. She had just completed a beautiful outdoor music stage and invited me up to do a Healing Sound Journey outside in the woods with the birds and the bees and some trees- and a few people too! She was unquestionably the hostess with the mostess and it was a wonderful time!

For those of you who are on Facebook, here is a link to a short video that Haris took. Unfortunately there is no other access to it. To watch video click here.

And that’s all for now- almost! I got back home and was able to do a bit of gardening- put in a sweet little herb garden… planted 3 kinds of thyme, rosemary, lavender, parsley, echinacea, mint, catnip, lemon balm, lamb’s ears, kalanchoe and a gorgeous orange canna.

I also managed to find time for a bit of artistic expression (besides cooking, music, sound healing and gardening) and I did this collage on canvas which I think is my favorite to date. So, I’ve caught you up to June with many gaps but I’ll leave you with this image. More to come.

I AM

I gave myself a vibroacoustic sound treatment today, wanting to relieve my mind and emotional body a bit and continue the healing from my recent appendectomy using Richway’s BioAcoustic Mat together with the Amethyst BioMat, a therapeutic far-infrared heating pad. Mostly I was feeling sad and worried about my brother who is in critical condition with Covid and deeply concerned for his family. I turned up the sound and turned up the heat! I played the album “A Universe to Come” by Tulku, produced by the late great Jim Wilson. All of his work lends itself really well to vibroacoustic therapy.

i dropped in fast and deep. Images came and went before I had to a chance to grasp them. The only thing I distinctly remember was the sense at a certain point that the encumbrances of my physical body had dropped away and my energetic body felt fluid and expanded. it felt like it was dancing, but not like the physical body dancing- more like waves on the ocean, being pushed by the wind and the ocean currents- but in this case by the frequencies, by the rhythms and tones of the music.

When the music was over I lay there for a long time- maybe another half hour. My mind was very still. I got up feeling quiet inside. This is the last track on the CD. It is beautiful and profound.

Cloudless

I woke up this morning and this song was the first thing that came into my head. Kind of surprising, because in truth- at least truth with a small “t”- there have been quite a few clouds obscuring the blue sky lately. I had an attack of appendicitis last week and had an emergency appendectomy and there is the situation with a seriously ill family member we are all praying for. And of course there is the war in Ukraine

On the brighter side and balancing some of the harder stuff, my second to oldest son Moose and his wife had two identical baby girls on December 26 and I have a new love that has had me preoccupied in a wonderful way, at least prior to the health crisis of the past week. The twin girls were about 6 weeks early but they are home with their parents now, super healthy and growing fast!

In regard to this video, the music was used at the end of the movie Rabbit-Proof Fence- it is a powerful and triumphant ending to the long and painful story of three young Aboriginal girls who were taken from their home in the Australian outback and placed in a settlement 2400 km away. They escaped from the settlement and made their way back home by following a rabbit-proof fence which spans over 1000 miles. The film illustrates what was a common practice between 1905-1967 of removing Aboriginal children from their family homes who were the children of one white and one Aboriginal parent and sending them away. The idea was that once they were separated from their families of origin they would eventually marry whites and over generations their Aboriginal blood would “diminish”.

The clips in this particular video are all from Gregory Colbert’s beautiful film Ashes and Snow.

Meditation, Inspiration, Restoration

It’s Sunday. Supposed to be a day of rest- which it was. But it also was a day of creative ideas and the inspiration to start something new. It’s easy to mark the time when I begin anew on a Sunday. I received the inspiration in my meditation yesterday to begin a self-guided restorative retreat today. Minimum 28 days but may go to 40 days. What I’m getting is that the retreat itself will be 28 days but I am going to do a 40-day yoga practice. I have been around people almost constantly for the past 3 months and have hardly been at home at all. In the past few days I am beginning to get reacclimated to being in my own space… by myself. The first two days I was totally exhausted from all I have been doing over the past 3 months and didn’t feel like doing anything, plus there was some personal family stuff going on that was taking quite a bit of my time and attention.

I made some good soups a couple of days ago because I had been traveling and there are so many cases of breakthrough Covid. I wanted to be ready in case I got it so I bought some chicken and made a beautiful batch of bone broth yesterday as well as some delicious cauliflower vichyssoise.

And now it’s Monday… I am looking back at yesterday- my inspiration and activity. It felt like I did so much stuff on Day One of my Restorative Retreat! Here are some of the things that are to be included in my retreat and the forms they have taken thus far. A creative activity- yesterday it was painting. Plus playing guitar, piano and drumming- all of which also fall into the soundwork category which is to be included each day. Healthy food, cleanse, diet plan… am presently preparing to do a liver flush in a few days so eating lightly- although meals are always a creative endeavor for me to some degree- and drinking a quart of organic apple juice each day for a minimum of 6 days to prepare for flush. (I will probably do 9 days.) I also made two short videos- one of me playing the piano which was just for my brother who gave me his old keyboard and a two minute video of me playing the Himalayan singing bowls just before bed- a little kiss goodnight to my friends.

I spent hours looking at some old videos from the Sound Body Center last night and posted one on YouTube, which isn’t really ready for viewing til I put the follow-up ones on there- they’re basically a sort of triptych. They’ll go together in 3 parts. I did about 45 minutes of kundalini yoga and some meditation and photographed butterflies. One of my sons gave me a beautiful digital Nikon camera a few years ago and I have had major trouble getting the settings right. I gave up on it for a long time but I’m back, slowly figuring out how to get the best out of it- another project which I am determined to succeed at.

Today I created a designated workspace for myself, did some more photography, am in the midst of uploading another video to YouTube, played the piano and have been writing. I intend by the end of the day to also have done my yoga practice and worked on my painting.

I also received the inspiration of a body prayer yesterday- combining sound and movement. Once I have completed the video of it I will share it here. It is called The Embodiment of Sound.

Meanwhile, while I have been sitting here writing I have uploaded the other two videos I mentioned from the days of the Sound Body Center. As I said before there are 3 parts to it. I didn’t post the very first one but you can find it on my YouTube channel- the caveat is that the first three minutes are a lot of talk and not much drumming so you may want to skip over some of it! I find it entertaining but you might not! The first one posted here has some great drumming with Fred Johnson and Jay Klein and the second one is Fred and I jamming together. They’re fun. So nice to revisit the sonic space of love and connection that was created there!

SMiLE!

This morning someone sent me a wonderful song (Vege-tables) by Brian Wilson which led right into this incredible brilliant joyful and heartwarming full live performance of his 2004 album release, SMiLE (begun in 1967). I had no intention of watching a music video first thing in the morning but with the opening notes I was hooked. I went into my kitchen, turned my Bose Bluetooth speaker up high, cleaned my kitchen and danced and sang- and decided I should start every day dancing! But seriously, this is brilliant- complex beautiful arrangements that could only come from the musical genius of Brian Wilson. Turn up your speakers and SMiLE!

Ring The Bells

Today is a great day in America. We can breathe again. No words are needed. I offer you this.

Magical Maestro Istvan Sky

One simple share tonight. Two days ago I was decluttering my house as part of the personal retreat I am attending by myself in my home and I let this track play over and over.

If you want to know more about this extraordinary being watch this film. It is well worth the time.

Time and Time Again

The first thing I thought about this morning was time. Again! Specifically more songs about time. I thought I would post them right away and get my blog out of the way first thing. But before I got to them this beautiful ancient healing mantra came up on my Facebook feed. Years ago my Sanskrit teacher, the late and beloved Swami Shivananda- affectionately known to his students as Swami Bob- told me that it is the oldest healing mantra on the planet. I decided to check it out as I was curious how they chanted it, whether it was melodic or more straightforward traditional chanting.

It turned out it is beautifully sung by Shankar Sahney in responsive form and I was pulled right in. For the next 45 minutes I chanted along with it. It did wonders for me on so many levels including opening up my voice. By the end, all the cells in my body were vibrating and felt somehow perfectly aligned as if I had had a cellular repatterning. When I got up I felt clear, balanced and grounded.

When I finally got to my blog the webpage was totally uncooperative so I’m just getting to it now! Enjoy the music.

Time For Healing

Cleansing, clearing , cleaning.
Cleansing, clearing, cleaning
On the inside and on the outside.
Watching how I feed my body
Watching how I feed my mind.
Stuff to be healed surfacing
On the inside and on the outside.
Cleansing tears
Cleansing fears
Cleansing laughter
What are the words I use?
How do I talk to myself?
How do I think of others?
Now is the time.
Noticing
Even the occasional guilt around
Taking so much
Time
For me
And remembering
I am not guilty.
I have been given this
Time

The Power of Intention

Whoops- I missed two days! I didn’t even think about writing a post yesterday or the day before which is kind of weird but so be it. I took on a series of challenges to start off the new year- which basically for me starts after January 8, since that is my birthday. I’m still in holiday festivity mode til it’s over.

That being said, on January 4 I started a 40-Day Kundalini Yoga Challenge through the Life-Force Academy. I also started a 5-day fast on January 9 which gently came to a close today with a bowl of wonderful sweet potato and beet soup I made. On January 7 I made a commitment to start a 3-week cleanse beginning January 11 offered by lovely wonderful bright spirit Sacha Jones of Stiggly Holistics- although waiting to begin til I finished my fast.

Now comes the interesting part- the third challenge. About four or five days ago I was missing my Course In Miracles connection and a video came up on my Facebook page of a woman named Cyndi Krupp doing a short live feed on A Course in Miracles. There are very few teachers of the Course that I listen to because I feel like everything is said in the book and what better teacher than Jesus? But for whatever reason I was drawn to it and I listened to her and absolutely loved her presentation. I heard her say something about something you could sign up for which I ignored - just listened to the video and really connected with her message. She said one thing so succinctly and perfectly that I wrote it down, “All pain is nothing other than being disconnected from the Truth.” Later the same day I was in my living room doing my Kundalini practice and sometime during my meditation I had the thought, “I want to do a 40-day retreat. Here, now, in my home. I have the time and I need to make good use of the opportunity.” It was just a thought that came and went but it stayed to some degree quietly in the background.

The next day I decided to see if Cyndi had another video up, which she did. And this time I heard her clearly say that a program was beginning the next day, January 11, called The 40 Day Program to Transformation with another Course in Miracles teacher, Lisa Natoli. She said it had changed her life, that she began to have a real understanding and direct experience of the teachings of the Course when she did the 40-Day Program the first time.

So on January 11 I started both the Stiggly cleanse and Lisa’s program. I’ve only been in for 3 days but they have been an amazing powerful 3 days. The second day, January 12 I had a bizarre healing event occur which I will not describe because it wasn’t pretty. I will simply say that it is an issue that has been with me for years and years and I have been actively addressing it for the past few months. I am sure that the combination of internal fasting and cleansing combined with the kundalini practice brought it to the surface to finally be healed.

I have a lot of things right now to attend to throughout my day, videos to listen to, stuff to read, journaling, meditation but it’s the perfect time to do it all and the 3 programs weave together absolutely perfectly. Example- part one of preparation for both the Stiggly cleanse and the 40-day transformational work involve cleaning and clearing one’s space- decluttering. And watching what I put into my body and what I put into my mind will be a constant for the next few weeks and hopefully will be a practice which becomes a habit. The yogis say it takes 40 days to break a habit and 40 days to create a new habit.

Also an interesting side note on fasting that came up. I had chosen to fast before I started Sacha’s cleansing program and actually continued it for a couple of days into the program. Lisa talks about fasting essentially from our old ways, our stories and our mistaken beliefs about ourselves ("I’m not good enough” etc.) and one of the things that stood out to me that I had never thought of before was the two meanings of the word “fast”. One is to abstain and the other is quick-moving or hurried and I suddenly realized that fasting gets you there quicker. I love words.

The Power of Mantra, The Science of Sound

Yesterday, January 6, 2021, was not a good day in the history of America- the culmination of four years of narcissism, arrogance, intolerance and self-righteousness by a disgruntled employee of the people.

I made a commitment to myself a few days ago- that I would put something out there every day on this blog. I missed yesterday because I was beside myself as the events of the day unfolded. I actually went into escape mode for a while- took a drive so I could listen to the news and not be sitting in my house watching it all on the TV or computer. I needed a change of scenery. When I got back I went up to Mahesh and Mukta’s, my neighbor/friends in the other house on the property where I live, and had pizza and a glass of wine. I was going to stay up there and blow off Day 6 of the 7-day mantra practice I have been doing with Jai Uttal but somehow, after eating way too much pizza, I felt somewhat emotionally revived and decided to go back up to my house and chant. I knew it would be the best thing for me and that I would be really disappointed in myself if I missed it.

Chanting in the time of Covid… I swore I would never do webinars- now I am so grateful for them. Thank you Jai and beautiful Nubia for bringing yourselves to our living rooms!

And of course I was so grateful that I listened to my heart rather than my mind as I knew I would be. As always the chant was perfect for the day - a devotional prayer to Hanuman, the monkey-god whose heart is so big and so full that it overflows with ardent love and devotion for Lord Ram and his beloved Sita. The perfect chant when the heart is feeling wounded.

On another note which isn’t exactly a change of topic- it relates- I am fascinated by the way significant dates repeat themselves. Exactly 15 years ago yesterday, on January 6, 2006 I sustained a fairly serious head injury. I was hit in the temple on the right side of my head by a large speaker. I got a concussion but the miracle was that the flat side of the speaker hit me square in my temple. I am convinced if it had been at the slightest angle the damage would have been far worse. Anyway, that is another whole story but what I want to get to here is how nāda yoga, the yoga- or science- of sound, which Sadhguru talks about in the above video, saved me or at least got me on a faster track to recovery.

About a month and a half after the injury- I hadn’t yet started driving again and could still barely talk, had a fair amount of swelling and pain- my nāda yoga teacher Shyam Bhatnagar offered a 7-day sound meditation retreat in Fort Meyers, FL. We sat with Shyamji and chanted for several hours every day, along with doing a dietary cleanse. Shyamji is a nāda yoga master and uses the voice, mantra and tamboura. After about 3 days I started noticing distinct changes. My mind started getting clearer and there were differences in my energy level. When I arrived at the retreat I already could see considerable improvement compared to the acute stage but with the mantra and meditation practices I could distinctly sense that my nervous system was receiving benefits on a subtle yet very deep level. I also had a lot of emotional clearing during the process and became aware of the deep level of trauma that I had undergone as a result of the injury.

The healing process was long- a good year- but the improvement in the beginning with a week of mantra practice with someone who really understood the science of sound was profound. I had many other helpers during this time who I am deeply indebted to, but the mantra and purification practice with Shyamji certainly helped get the ball rolling.

Gratitude

I woke up extremely conscious of the passage of time yesterday and am feeling directed to make better use of it. There is no shortage of it- as well as the opportunity to spend a lot of said time in solitude. My intention this winter was to focus on immersing myself in the experience and study of sound and its effects in various forms. Of course that has been my path for a very long time but there is an opportunity right now since there is no gathering in groups and I am in a new place and not particularly inclined to promote private sessions right now until the spread of Covid begins to subside.

To that end I have joined a 7-day mantra practice with Jai Uttal as well as a 40-day kundalini yoga practice which begins on January 4. Those are the formal practices I am engaging in. Then there are my personal practices. I am definitely exploring the effects of Richway’s BioAcoustic Mat since I do not have my Soundweaver here. I haven’t been using it as often as I could but that is going to change too! I am using it with the BioMat on top which is a great combination. Yesterday I gave myself a 50-minute session while doing long distant healing for a friend at the same time. The music I used was Nawang Khechog and Carlos Nakai’s recording “Winds of Devotion” which is so beautiful and one that I have always found to be very powerful and effective on the Soundweaver.

Today I went for a beautiful walk in the woods. I found myself filled with deep gratitude… gratitude for time, for beauty, for the experience of being in a body where- because of the apparent separation- we have the gift of appreciation, for my teachers- past and present, known and unknown, for my ancestors, for my family, my parents, my siblings, my children and grandchildren, for all the masters who have walked the earth, for all that is past and all that is to come. It was an endless, expansive and totally joyful experience. From gratitude I moved into prayer. i walked and I prayed and I prayed and i walked. The prayer became the simple mantra from Dr. Emoto, “I love you, I thank you, I respect you.” As I looked at the trees, the water, the ferns, the rocks, the sky, felt the air on my skin, heard the sounds of the running water, thought about the molecules, atoms and particles that all matter is composed of… “I love you, I thank you, I respect you.” And myself, a hand on my heart “I love you”, joined by my other hand on my heart “I thank you”, and one hand then raised to my third eye “I respect you”. Over and over, tears streaming down my face.

I love you.
I thank you.
I respect you.

A New Dawn

2021. Happy New Year! I feel good. I feel hopeful.

2+0+2+1= 5. In numerology 5 is about change and transformation and after 2020 (4, think “square”, grounded, solid, not particularly creative or forward thinking) I think we are all looking forward to some major changes. That’s all I’m going to say about that!

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day… and it’s a new year! I went to sleep a little after midnight and woke up at 4 a.m. thinking about things I want to get done and one of the first things that came to mind was to start blogging again. Along with it came this song.

Circles, Cycles and Sound in the Time of Covid

For the past 3 days I have been immersed in the Sound Healing Global Summit online. Two days left. I had an idea that I couldn’t stand online workshops but in the time of Covid I am finding myself incredibly grateful for them. I dipped my toe in when I was in the Philippines- initially to attend a Weight Watchers meeting that I used to go to every Saturday morning when I was at home in Rhode Island. It was so wonderful to see familiar faces and feel the connection from 12000 miles away! After that I started joining in on Jai Uttal’s Friday evening kirtans and Gina Sala’s Monday Mantra class, which for me, being 15 hours ahead, were a perfect way for me to start my Saturday and Tuesday mornings- with joyful sound and meditation- and to dive into practices that otherwise were completely inaccessible to me where I was, especially once we were in lockdown.

So back to the Sound Healing Summit…

FAST FORWARD!!! I started writing this on August 5. It is now October 17. My life has made such a wide and clear circle in a year. One year ago today I was getting ready to drive to North Carolina to help my dear friend and former partner Henry navigate his way through a health procedure. Sadly he died on October 18 while I was still on the road. Two days later my sister Jenny died. Henry’s death hit me like a sledgehammer and I spent a year moving through layers of grief around that. Now, a full year later, I find myself in North Carolina living in the house where he spent the last year of his life which he had helped one of our very close friends to build.

Last week, on October 11, we had a Celebration of Life on Zoom for my sister Jenny, and I found myself processing a lot of untapped grief around that. It was a beautiful event and I am so grateful that it was a full year later so that I could be fully present for it and not held captive by the feelings I had been dealing with around Henry’s death.

So… transition, changes, travel, lockdown, Philippines, music, sound and healing…

The Sound Healing Summit was an inspiration. At some point well into my stay in the Philippines, after being on what turned out to be a major sabbatical that went on much longer than I anticipated, I realized I could not make a plan as to what would be next. And I knew that I would know what the next step was to be quite simply whenever it came to me. Clarity came within the first hour of my tuning into the Sound Summit. I have a lot to process and won’t get into much detail here but it centers around creating a Wholistic Sound Certification Program. Nothing will begin to happen until at least the spring. I am spending the winter here in North Carolina brainstorming, formulating a plan, and writing.

When I went to the Philippines I brought one small (but mighty!) Himalayan singing bowl with me. I had an idea about doing short meditations and making some videos. Unfortunately there was never a strong enough signal to post them so now I am posting one short video I made one beautiful morning on Camiguin. The sound is not great as there was a ton of background noise- the people of the little fishing village mending their nets right behind me- and I was really just experimenting. Unfortunately since it turned out to be impossible to upload anything I never refined the process!