Shoulds and Self-Revelation

Just for today I am not paying attention to the shoulds.  I should get dressed, I should check my email, I should work, I should turn my phone on, blah blah blah.  The phone is off, I am in my pajamas- I threw my pants on for ten minutes, ran to the liquor store for a bottle of stout to cook my corned beef and cabbage- and I am mostly sitting in bed drinking tea and reading Jed McKenna's Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment. That's my cup of spiritual reading.  I opened it this morning and all bets were off. Occasionally I look out my window and there is a light flurry of snow.  A blizzard would bring me great joy. Give me an excuse to hole up for a few days- please!

Just now I came in to put on some more hot water, pondering the notions that traipse across my mindscape and decided it was a good time for a blog entry.  Usually I write about music or sound in some capacity.  Apparently not today although I never really know what will show up on the page.  Maybe that will be there too- not like it isn't in my mind- just not at the forefront today, except in the form of needing to call this or that person to confirm a time/date for a recording or a Sound Journey or a workshop... which I am postponing for at least a few hours.  Things are unfolding well enough on their own that I am going to trust that it will continue without my constant attention and occasional interference.

Here is an excerpt from my journal during one of my pauses from reading. (It's fairly heavy stuff requiring an occasional break as I process some piece of my own self-inquiry.)

     "My fuel for the day- oil pulling, a protein shake, green tea (or mate on most days) and A Course in Miracles. This morning I added Jed McKenna and now I'm not going anywhere- until I decide to. And I wonder, if 'I am as God created me' [this morning's ACIM lesson] why do I need any of this? Or does it require a body (and thereby some physical maintenance) to know that I am as God created me.
    "I will cook corned beef and cabbage today...
     "One realization, my family reflects back to me the sum of all my fears about myself. The belief that I am a loser because I don't make enough money to support myself doing what I do. That one came up and reduced me instantly to tears. My defense? What I do has changed people's lives- given them relief from pain, helped them to realize their true purpose, etc. etc.  What does it matter? It is my mistaken belief about myself that says I am a loser. It is my ego- defending myself against myself in the midst of the attack.
     (A little while later...) "I am reading Jed McK and I am getting tweaked. Something deep in my mind... that I can't quite reach. But I am reading and I stop to cry for some unknown reason. That's how I know it is have an effect on my consciousness- not just interesting reading."