Fathers, Sons and Cat Stevens

Honestly, I am forcing myself to write this tonight. I find myself so quickly exhausted when I get on the computer. I feel strong physiological effects from it and almost feel as though I am becoming allergic to it. It's too bad... Or not. It just is, I guess.

It is dusk. Father's Day. My father is far away now. He has been gone for 33 years. I was 28 when he died. He was 61, the same age I am now. I thought he was old. Now I think, "My god- he was so young!"

This evening I celebrated Father's Day with my youngest son, Nic and his 14 year old son, Jonah. Nic's dad died when Nic was 21- his dad, my ex, was 53 when he died. Nic's birthday is February 5, the same as my father's. They celebrated Nic's first birthday and his grandad's 60th birthday together. Patterns that run through families... births, deaths, histories that repeat themselves... so interesting. Emotional wave patterns that we become entrained to? Familiarity is attractive and compelling and often sneaks up on us while we are paying attention to other things. Some of that is good and some is problematic at best and very difficult to disentangle ourselves from. It sometimes seems to be deeply ingrained in our DNA and can take a tremendous amount of courage, hard work and intention to heal.

Oh, and I just remembered that I got married on this day in 1975. For whatever that's worth.

And tomorrow is the solstice and a full moon- the first time they have coincided in 70 years.

And I just spent a weekend with a beautiful Ecuadorian shaman, Don Alberto Taxo- but that is a story for another time.